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‘Mmm, this is nice, I should have got one of my own. Cue throwing down of cards/racket/mallet and shouting: ‘I don’t know why you have to be so competitive! So if we’re thinking of going out for dinner, for example, and you say: ‘What do you fancy, Chinese? ’ And she says, ‘You know perfectly well that I HATE Italian food.’ Which just isn’t true. If it were true that what women find most attractive is a man with a sense of humour then I would have had a lot more success with girls than I have.And while we’re at it, why is your viewing worthy of a ‘home cinema’?Women believe that the size of your TV is in inverse proportion to the size of your brain, while their men seem to think that some other screen-size/body part correlation is going on and so opt for the full-on Odeon surround-sound experience. You end up ‘compromising’ with a 50in version that dominates the living room like a Damien Hirst pickled animal. But no, he has wires crawling round the house like vines.Then are the drawers full of old cables that look like nests of vipers.Some of them are for his first Nokia, bought circa 1995. Then she grabs the fat thriller you’ve been looking forward to reading for months, hogs it for a week, then leaves it on a boat when she’s finished and says: ‘It was rubbish anyway.’Which is so very different from not having an opinion. ’ She’ll say: ‘I don’t mind, whatever you feel like’ And you say: ‘No, this is my treat, tell me the meal you most want in the world and I’ll sort it.’ And she says: ‘I’m just not fussy, darling, make it a surprise.’ So then you book an Italian restaurant, and she’s sitting there poking at a bowl of spaghetti and looking like all fury, and you say: ‘What’s up dear? But all the same, a few weeks later, you’re quietly reading the paper when the despairing cry comes: ‘The shower’s blocked agaaaaiiin. .’She’ll make a huge fuss about capsule wardrobes and having the right thing to wear in the event of an impromptu drinks party on the beach at six in the evening, while at the same time planning for the possibility that it might turn into dinner and she doesn’t want to be caught in the same wrap she wore the night before. Just a couple of magazines for the plane, which she leafs through in four minutes, tutting at every page.

So again you go upstairs and pull off the plug-guard, reach into the slimy hole and pull out the hair trap which is blocked with a serious fistful of long blonde hair, all slimy and yukky with whatever’s been flowing through it the last couple of weeks. ’ she says as you hold the cloggy straggle up to show its comfortable 18in length against your dark brown short back and sides.But he always leaves them on the side, or marginally better, he puts some tepid water in them ‘to soak’, thus divesting him of all responsibility of actually dealing with the burnt-on food that’s clinging to them like Araldite.Guests coo over his fancy ways with a flavoured oil, but the boring rehashing, reheating and pureeing always gets left to me.But remember, this is just a small part of what you can see in here, and that's not something you want to miss!Two things that you have to know about this site are - it is all FREE and all the videos are in HD!

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